2021: A late lookback
Okay so finally I sat on the table with my fingers on the keyboard switching on the torch of my mind to throw some light upon the events that happened this year (or last as I am writing this in 2022)
Funnily enough, this year has not been a rollercoaster ride for me, quite a rare thing to read I know, because every second essay starts with the same phrase.
Instead, it has been trekking on a relatively steep hill in retrospect but extremely tough terrain full of avalanches and storms.
The year started an identity crisis. So I was indulged in a part-time job, focused but unhappy, finding a reason to run away from it because I never felt like I belonged there. But since I was earning a few bucks, bearing my own expenses, and gaining a bit of liberty in terms of money I started to identify myself with the thing I never wanted to. To identify yourself with ‘x’ you either have to be extremely good at it, or you have to be afraid of facing the things which are not ‘x’. I belonged to the latter case. I don’t wish to tie this in a sob story narrative of any sort, so I’ll directly skip to the part where I’d already quit the thing, and now I am working towards a thing I always wanted to do: establish myself as a freelance video editor.
I spent two months doing free gigs, building my portfolio, learning about the tools, and finding ways to land clients. Eventually, I landed a client with whom I am still working, so that’s one of the biggest achievements of this year. The gig was not high paying but it is something that gives me a sense of fulfillment. Money can only buy you a bed, but it is the joy of living a fulfilled, self-determined life that will get you out of your bed and walk towards the toilet to poop peacefully.
Oh what a poop, my poop was the biggest enemy after the lockdown this year. I paid more attention to my digestive issues than I ever did in my life. Moving ahead, after landing a gig the plan was to expand, and the only way to expand yourself as a freelancer or even a professional is to over-deliver. Do the simple things which no one’s doing, put in that extra 1% of the work, and then make an ask unafraid. Of course, asking is something Indians don’t have any concept about. But it is not something that can’t be learned, I will attach links to some of the resources which personally helped me in the footnotes, go check them.
Coming back to our story, the next 6 months since the date I landed my first gig has been of constant growth. Growth not just in terms of numbers but also in terms of the way one should approach and construct their own reality. But most importantly, the power of facing your own fears. If there’s one emotion that I explored more than anything else, it has got to be Fear. Fear is like a glass that you wear which makes your vision dark and dirty. It stops you from seeing all the different colors life has to offer. And the reason you don’t remove that glass and expose your eyes to the colors is that the glass of fear is the most comfortable thing you ever wore.
Lastly, professionally and financially, this year has/had been phenomenal but that’s not it! Remember we talked about identities in the beginning? Identities are like weapons in Batman’s belt. The more diversity, the more powerful Batman you are! The curiosity to understand my own mind, made me dig into the works of Sigmund Freud, Nietzsche, Heidegger, Zizek just to name a few. Exploring such brilliant minds equips you with different lenses to view life. Because life is too complex to be looked at from a single lens. Those who try to end up making a fool of themselves and joke of the human intellect.
Moving on from the serious knowledgeable stuff, I started dating. After being locked inside my house for almost 1.5 years, I explored myself in the dating and relationship domain of life. There’s this norm that, “Hustle in your 20s, relationships are something you do after you get ‘successful’” I would say it’s not entirely wrong, but some part of it is deeply flawed. But that’s a whole new discussion, won’t get into it too deeply but here’s something I’ll leave you with. All of us are pieces of those jagged pieces of the puzzle. And for two people two come together and share their realities willingly, is like aligning two jagged pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. The task doesn’t end at just identifying your own imperfections but also accepting the other person’s and finding ways for both of you to come together. Provided neither of them is unaware, insecure about their imperfections. Just a casual disclaimer, I am just 21, I have the humility to accept that I will learn things eventually and probably look back on this essay and laugh at my own stupidity.
Lastly, no matter how steep the terrain of 2022 might be, our job as individuals is just to stand still amidst all the avalanches and storms. Because what’s the other option other than facing your own demons? There’s no inherent universal purpose to life, other than freeing yourself from shackles and cages of your own mind. Might sound too self-help-ish, but that’s what it is!
“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
~Neitzsche
2022, here we go!